First of all, this article is going to be very long, so bare with me, it’s all worth it in the end. “Instant gratification doesn’t come instantly”. If you don’t have mutual love for each other as man and woman, where you feel that you both trust, cherish, respect and support each other, this is probably not going to help you much in the sense that the relationship is going to become better for each day. Maybe if you work for it and pay attention to your other half, it will eventually.
This article is for those of you that know they are at that stage and find themselves wanting more than their every day “Hello honey, how are you today? How’s your day been? What’s for dinner? I took the kids to soccer practice, did you do the laundry” You know, the platonic on the surface kind of relationship. What I want to address, is the deeper level of communication between two sexually active people.
So what is it that you have to do in order to get that thing in your life handled, that thing that bugs the hell out of you and you don’t know why the sex is sinking and why your relationship is getting less and less impersonal. Where you can really feel the closeness disappearing further away into the abyss. Women are different from men, but not as complicated as you might think.
Sure sometimes they’ll act in a way that is totally contradictory the next. But from a womans perspective, it’s not. Anyway I want to go over some physiological and some psychological things that will aid you in your understanding of how women think, act and feel. This is very very important of your overall frame of mind. I can’t stress the significance of this enough.
The male brain:
While most women tend to exclaim that men only think of one thing, that is often true, this is how women tend to define us. This is their view on men, without understanding us they judge us based on our responses (In retrospect, we do the same regarding women, because the lack of understanding). What they don’t know is that we have those responses hardwired in us physiologically as they have others in them (which we’ll go into in detail soon) from our tribal days of living collectively and seeing things (rape, murder/killing, alpha male behavior, battles and disputes, basically animalistic behavior) from day to day that has reshaped our thinking and acting patterns to what you see now. How do men think? A womans brain differs a bit from your average males brain. A man has the three main parts of his brain with his left (analytical), right (emotional) and the reptilian.
A man has, to some degree the necessary bridge to connect the emotional with the analytical half and combine the two as one thought but often than not, the man processes outside information and makes it a physical connection that requires a physical thought which the left side of the brain is called for to perform this conscious action. Thus a man, when faced with a decision, will make a logical one, since that’s where he processes information (left half, the intellectual/analytical). While men think emotionally, it is not on the same level as women. In order to feel good, a man will take his thoughts and make them into physical manifestations in order to feel good about himself. Ex: How does a man define the word “rich” or “success”?
Usually by imagine physical things like a big yacht, a ferrari, money, a house, a hot girlfriend/wife etc. All physical things. Most men believe in pleasing a woman and think that this will make her stay and love them more. That is often true, but most men don’t know how to please a woman from a womans perspective as evident from the perspective male thinking.
The female brain:
Now the female brain is a bit different. It also has the three brains, but, their bridge, between the left and the right halves, is much densely packed with pathways that process information and relays the information better to and from the two halves. This means that when a woman processes information (words and/or situations) she’ll process them using the full extent of her two halves. She will compare one word and/or situation to another in her life. That means she will internalize it and assign meaning to that particular thing, and think of how that makes her feel. The conclusion is that men externalize thoughts/situations and women internalize them.
Because a womans brain is different and processes information differently, you are going to have significantly different responses if you compare both sexes.
Therefore, the meaning of true pleasure for a woman is often not physical sex (if you can ever believe it!), but psychological/mental. In that I mean women are highly receptive to internal stimuli like dreams, words, plots/stories and situations that make a woman think. By thinking it she can literally begin to imagine and physically feel her body turning with it. Thus the most erotic part of a woman is her mind. There is no limit to what she can achieve with that.
How do you create this internalization?
To have a deeper connection, you must give her the chance to explore what’s possible (with you). It is very important that you encourage her to share her fantasies with you and reward her for it when she does. No woman should ever have to justify or feel ashamed for her most inner desires to dream and to be totally free with no consequences or judgement from you or anyone else whatsoever. Make her describe her fantasy in great detail by asking (if she doesn’t tell you herself) about how large the room is where she is, smells, brightness, colours, what kinds of things she can see in the room, is it warm/cold/moist, what she’s feeling at this moment and what word does she associate this feeling with (that’s usually her core value for this feeling) etc. You get the picture.
Let her finish her story, after she’s done that and you have some feedback from her about her values, feelings and fantasies, take some time off (a week or longer) and don’t speak of her fantasy with her. Then after a time, when you lie in bed together, or when she does the dishes etc. Slowly approach her and take the concept she gave you a week later and make it a reality by telling her a “innocent” story. She’ll become more and more excited since it’s her story and her values and words from the start. Just telling her fantasies or stories works wonders, but what’s most effective is stories of her own making.
What also works very effective is using sensory and vague abstract words and language within your stories/fantasies and slowly build her excitement level. Notice how women always talk to other women by describing how they feel/felt when doing something and how that reminded them of this and that, which in turn reminded them or made them feel this or that. This is what you need to get good at.
These words are/include: Color, taste, how things feel/feelings, fragrances/smells, sounds, how things are etc.
These words are/include: They are vague and referring to emotional states. What’s happened, but not how. Ex: Serenity, comfort, energy, stillness, freedom, growth, depth, being etc.
That’s the fantasy bit, now let’s get to the more physical things, the way to talk during physical sex. One of the first things I want you to break is the thought that women aren’t sexual. In fact, women are hornier than men in general. Think about it, women have been repressed both physically and mentally for as long as man can remember. They were always in the shadow of the man. The women had nothing to say about anything in our entire society for a very long time and if she did it had to be socially acceptable. That’s why women have learned to hide their feelings and fantasies to reside only within themselves. Everything else was taboo to speak and even to think about because man decided to be so. That’s why women fear the slut label so much. So you see, this all comes back to physiology when men don’t understand women because of the physical limitations and differences between the male and female species.
Men were turned on by physical things, such as the female body and women by their fantasies. As soon as a woman told a man a fantasy he would instantly discard it as being filthy. He often said: “Why do you fantasize about other men or situations when you have me?” then that became filthy and taboo which became a social norm throughout time. That’s why women feel like sluts if they give in to easily to a mans sexual advancements because they have been programmed by society and their parents to be proper. Pleasure in sex was even as late as the 1960:s very one sided.
Men considered it to be very generic and a chore as any other. Women thought of it as a duty to her man that once every time and again, give it to him. No wonder women had to entertain themselves, but they couldn’t to their fullest potential, society and all. They had no say in it then.
Nowadays women are more acceptable in society, thus giving them leeway to pursue their own interests without judgment. But even so, women want a man that can pursue these things with her. That’s because women want a strong man to lead them without them feeling like they were the ones to initiate it and without feeling like a slut (here come those society rules again).
But I fear that if the veil of taboo is lifted as it’s beginning to do now for all women who step up and talk about sexual fantasies more and more, eventually it will loose it’s effect on all women. Because it’s no longer taboo and secret, the “danger”, thus the appeal of speaking, let alone thinking about sexual fantasies will be watered down for women. I will forever deeply regret the day it happens. I hope this day never comes…
How to talk dirty:
Here is another cosmic truth about women. A woman wants nothing more then to be called a proper lady in public and in front of company, but as soon as you are in the bedroom, she wants you to call her your slut. There is nothing more exciting for her to hear, as long as she doesn’t feel like a slut anywhere else. Take command.
She wants to feel like it’s not her own doing that led her to the current situation, only that you say something and do something that she is willing to follow, and on top of that, it’s something she wants to do anyway. But you thought of it, so it must be ok. She wants to be led through the experience. A woman will make all the necessary irrational excuses she can think of to make herself believe that it’s not her fault you happened to know what she wanted, and keep this facade going to convince herself she’s not a slut.
Here are some rules to follow to make this happen:
1) Be convinced that she wants this, women want to be liberated from their strict upbringing and social pressure. To fully give themselves to a man and let him control their actions.
2) Be convinced that you know what you’re doing, she must never know you don’t know what you’re doing or that you are hesitant/dirty talk virgin.
3) Have a sexy voice, if you don’t have it, you can work on it. Practice in your bathroom/car/shower, anywhere you can, to get that sexy voice women love.
4) Do not talk constantly in the same flow (words/minute rate), make irregular pauses in your talk to get her in and really make her listen. Sometimes talk higher/lower so she can’t anticipate.
5) Learn different kind of words to have a greater vocabulary (sexy/sex words included)
6) Start off easy. Tell her what you’re going to do to them, or what you’re doing to her right now for starters, then you can do advance dirty talk later after you’ve learned the basics.
7) Recommended authors: J D Fuentes and David Shade
After the act, it is very important to keep in mind to ground her back to reality. Hug her and communicate to her that this experience has led you both to a deeper and more connected place. This is the most important thing to do after sex with dirty talk. It is key, to keep it up and escalate your dirty talking relationship incrementally, to a whole new level.
I hope this has change your views of women and their psychology to shed your old beliefs and give her all of you without holding back.
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